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Mayor denies that Ballsville is Meth Capital of the United States

Ballsville Mayor Buddy Erikson had this to say when the news broke that Ballsville has been named "Meth Capital of the United States," for a fourth year running: "If we're the meth-capital, then where is the meth-legislature? Where is the meth capital police? Why do my teeth look so good? How come I slept 8 hours last night, and plan on sleeping 8 hours tonight? Why are my cheeks healthy, rosy, and pert? Why does my sister-in-law let me babysit my nieces at their mansion? And if we were the meth-capital, wouldn't I be the meth-governor? It's a bunch of steer-piss is what it is."

Mary-Ellen-Jo Ferguson Named Belle of 5th Annual Feed and Fertilizer Benefit.

Ms. Ferguson has decided to donate her 50-pound bag of pungent winnings to the bereaved parents of allegedly poisoned Ballsvile Middle School students "to help get those bodies decomposing." The local beauty claims she got her good looks by not eating.

Famous "Ronald Reagan Beef Ball" Stolen, Eaten.

Ray-Ray Gundt, of Norfolk Terrace, reported the robbery of his prized possession on Thursday night. By Friday morning, a video of the masked robbers eating the bullfry with the unmistakable likeness of 40th President Ronald Reagan appeared on the internet. Mr. Gundt promises to hunt down the robbers and get his Ronald Reagan Beef Ball back.

Joe-Joe-John Hazelroot Jr., 3, named Top Quarterback Recruit, Ballsville High class of 2024.

Ballsville High head coach Colt Troy pointed to Hazelroot Jr.'s muscle mass and "competitive spirit" as reasons for bestowing the honor. The tot's father, Ballsville High's legendary, mean-as-a-bull nose guard Joe-Joe-John Sr., claimed that early weaning, a psychologically abusive workout regimen, extended periods of isolation, and alcoholic parents contribute to his son's athletic development.

Joe-Joe-John Hazelroot Jr.

Joe-Joe-John Hazelroot Sr.

77 ways to cook with Ranch Dressing

Whether it's ranch enchiladas, ranch mojitos, or ranch-a-roni, the creamy coolness of ranch is an indispensable part of any meal. Culinary impresario Bethany Bloom demonstrates how versatile "nature's dressing" can truly be.




Ballsville Town Hall 525 Rodeo Street, Ballsville, TX 02482
Monday - Friday, 8:00 am to 5:00 pm
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